When An Idol Dies - Why is my teen affected by the death of Kobe Bryant?

My 14 year old loves his basketball. Do I always listen to the details of who scored what against who in last nights’ game? Not really. But when I heard that Kobe Bryant had died I sucked in my breath and covered my mouth with my hand. My heart sank for my boy, because even though I am not always closely listening, I have heard that name many, many times and I know he means something to my young person, and so many other young people like him.

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So as a parent, who may be a little dismissive or unsure about how to handle your your young person while they go through this, here are a few suggestions:

Understand that many people, including adolescents, will have a grief response when someone famous dies.

Many young people will look and feel very sad while they process what the death of this person (whom they have never met). Adolescence is a time to differentiate self from the family, so young people often connect deeply with individuals they have “chosen” outside the family to see as role models. Often they will immerse themselves in information and news about this person, and with social media they may even feel that they know this individual due to how they respond on twitter or posts they like on Instagram.

Many will find that their usual escape into social media is actually flooded with images and stories and their idol and how their death is impacting on people. While some may find this reassuring, others may struggle with the overwhelming images.

Take it seriously.

Your young person probably felt very connected to and inspired by their idol. Now they’ve gone. Some people will feel the pain of losing this type of presence in their life in the same way they would experience the loss of a loved one, so take it seriously.

Check in.

It may be confusing or embarrassing for a young person to feel this way about someone they have never met. You may need to initiate the conversation about how they are feeling and affirm that it is ok to grieve. If you take it seriously as an adult, they can too and they can share how they genuinely feel about it.

If needed try to find ways to connect. Get out, grab some food or take a walk. Try to provide some distraction and activity away from the stream of information about their idol.

Maybe suggest putting together something creative to remember this person. Letters, photo walls, online photo boards can all help us mark out what this person meant in our life, even if they didn’t know us.

Keep your eye out.

Over the next few weeks, keep your eye on your young person. It is normal grief to feel sad, lonely and ponder the meaning of life when someone dies. With the death of an idol, we would expect that this would gradually pass as normal life continues. Insta feeds and Facebook will return to normal and the shock will settle into an acceptance. Our brains will come to accept that this person will no longer be generating something new but will be a memory to the world who loved them and our individual lives will go on.

If your teen is still visibly upset and affected 2-4 weeks after the death, the passing of their idol may have hit a nerve for them. Again, take it seriously, check in and get some external help if you need it.

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My young person was at a basketball tournament in another state when he heard. We messaged a bit and I teared up at some of his beautiful, simple responses of shock and sadness that someone who meant so much to him had died. I’m pleased he is with a group of 16 to 21 year old basketball players and coaches who understand his pain.

As with the deaths of other idols and heroes, we know that young people will get through it. As parents and carers, we can only take time to notice what they are going through and do our best to support our young people through this difficult time with love and connection.

RIP Kobe