Supporting Young People Through Grief: Choice, Control, and Compassion

Grief is a deeply personal and often overwhelming experience, especially for young people who may be encountering significant loss for the first time. Whether they are grieving the death of a loved one, a family separation, or another profound loss, children and adolescents need support that is compassionate, consistent, and developmentally appropriate.

Why Choice and Control Matter in Grief

Recent research in child and adolescent mental health highlights the importance of agency during the grief process. When children are given the opportunity to make choices and express preferences, they are more likely to feel safe, supported, and resilient.

Grief can make the world feel chaotic and unpredictable. Giving young people even small choices—about how they process grief, who they talk to, or how they commemorate a loved one—helps restore a sense of control and autonomy.

6 Research-Informed Tips for Supporting Young People Through Grief

1. Involve Them in Age-Appropriate Conversations

Many adults try to shield young people from the realities of loss, but silence can be more harmful than the truth. Research shows that honest, age-appropriate conversations about death and grief reduce anxiety and confusion.

🔍 Avoid Euphemisms: Saying things like “they went to sleep” or “they’re in a better place” can be confusing or even frightening for children. Young people, especially young children, interpret language literally. Euphemisms can lead to misunderstandings or unnecessary fears. Be clear and compassionate.

🗣 Try This: “Grandpa died, which means his body stopped working and he won’t be coming back. It’s okay to feel sad or confused.”

2. Avoid Clichés That Are Meant to Comfort You, Not Them

In an effort to help, adults often reach for phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “They wouldn’t want you to be sad.” While well-meaning, these clichés can make a grieving young person feel like they’re wrong for hurting or confused about what they're supposed to feel.

💡 Remember: These statements often comfort the adult more than the child. What young people need most is validation and a safe space to express whatever they are experiencing—without judgment or minimisation.

💬 Try This Instead: “This is really hard. I’m here with you. It’s okay to miss them and feel sad.”

3. Let Them Choose How They Want to Remember

Some young people want to talk often about the person they’ve lost; others may prefer quiet reflection or creative expression. Let them choose how (or if) they want to remember the person right now.

🎨 Try This: Offer options such as drawing, writing a letter, creating a memory box, or visiting a special place. Don’t force participation—simply provide opportunities.

4. Offer Choices Wherever Possible

Control can feel out of reach during grief. By offering choices, you return some agency to a young person. Even small decisions can make a big difference.

✔️ Try This: Allow them to decide who they speak to (a therapist, a teacher, a family member), when they return to school or sports, or how they want to spend anniversaries and special dates.

5. Normalize Their Emotional Experience

Children may feel guilt, anger, numbness, or even relief. Let them know that all emotions are valid and normal. Avoid rushing them to "move on" or "be strong."

💬 Try This: Say, “It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. Grief doesn’t look the same for everyone.”

6. Create Predictable, Safe Routines

Routines help reduce anxiety and provide stability. While flexibility is important, predictability gives young people a sense of security.

🕰 Try This: Maintain regular mealtimes, school routines, and bedtime rituals, while also leaving room for emotional expression and downtime when needed.

When to Seek Extra Support

Grief can take time. However, if a young person shows signs of intense withdrawal, ongoing anxiety, sleep disturbance, or a drop in functioning for an extended period, professional support can be a helpful step.

At Lit Therapy, we offer warm, evidence-based counselling for young people and families experiencing grief and loss. Our approach is grounded in empowerment, creativity, and connection—ensuring every young person feels heard, safe, and in control of their healing journey.

Want to talk more about how to support a grieving child or teen?
Get in touch with our team at Lit Therapy. We’re here to help.