Talking About Suicide With Your Teen
If you are feeling suicidal or worried about someone who might be:
Please call 000
Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
Present to nearest hospital emergency department
Young people are continually exposed to the concept of ending their own life. Terms about “killing yourself” or “killing myself” have entered everyday messaging and verbal interactions. Sometimes these words are used in jest, or as a throw away term to mean someone is annoying. We are told they were “just joking” when telling a sibling or friend to kill themself or when they suggest they will kill themself when things are difficult.
But is it really ok for this language to enter our everyday language? No, it’s not.
Suicidal Language in Teens
KMS/ Kill Myself: This language is often used in times of anticipated overwhelm or a high effort load is expected of them (ie the rush to meet an assignment deadline “ugh kms, homework is due tm”) and often not actually associated with wanting to end their life at all. The trouble with overusing this phrase is it makes it difficult for people to respond appropriately when it matters. It also makes it hard for others to know when their friends are actually reaching out to someone when they are struggling with suicidal thoughts. Young people throwing this term around affects the ability of others to take them seriously and receive appropriate help.
Go Kill Yourself: Sometimes this is said in jest and laughed off together, and sometimes this is delivered in a mean way, out of frustration or anger. This term may also be genuinely sent to others in the case of bullying behaviour – none of these situations are ok. Whether the comments are laughed off in the moment or not, you don’t know for sure what is underneath the surface in someone’s mind and what else they might be going through. This line “go kill yourself” in any context might actually linger and add to someone’s emotional distress. It may encourage them to engage in harmful behaviours or attempt to end their life which will obviously result in layers of distress for all involved.
Responding to comments like “go kill yourself!”
Sometimes its hard to know if your teen is on the receiving end of bullying or language like this. Some signs to look out for might be changes in your teens mood; changes in eating or sleeping habits; withdrawing from family and social events; visible bruising they don’t want to explain; avoiding certain situations (ie taking the school bus) or avoiding things they usually enjoy.
If you know your teen has been on the receiving end of this message (or other bullying behaviour) – check in with them. Let them know you are available to talk when they’re ready. At first it might be easier to talk together about the situation as if it were happening to someone else ie a tv or movie character from a scene on tv, or someone else you know being bullied. You can then gently bring the conversation to your teen- How would you hope that situation is handled? Do you know someone who has been in that situation? Have you experienced that behaviour before?
With a supportive tone, let them know it isn’t their fault and you do not condone the other persons behaviour. Kids might have a hard time opening up to parents when they fear telling someone might make it worse. For example that parents might say “it’s not a big deal/get over it/shrug it off, they may worry they will not be believed or their parents may overreact. It is helpful to listen to your child, thank your teen for telling you and come up with a plan together.
If it is happening at school, talk to school staff and ensure they implement their anti-bullying policies.
Responding to “Kill Myself” Language in Your Child
If your teen says this to you or someone else (or loosely using the abbreviation “kms”) you can encourage them to find another way to get their message across – Ask them, what message are they actually trying to communicate? Remind them their words can be powerful, how else might they be able to convey their message in a more appropriate way? Can your teen get their needs met without saying this?
You must take this language seriously and genuinely check whether they have any intention to end their life. If they don’t have any intent, ask them to rephrase what they are trying to say. If they don’t have any intent and are using this term in a throw away manner, and you keep taking it seriously, they will soon stop.
Continue to check in with your teen and encourage social support- help them to engage in activities they enjoy with people they enjoy being around. If you are concerned about your child, encourage them to seek professional support.
Responding When you Hear “Go Kill Yourself!” Directed at Siblings or Friends?
Be very clear to all young people that comments like this are not acceptable at any time. Speaking like this to others is never ok. We never know what is going on for someone else and using these words, even in jest, or because they feel annoyed or frustrated with someone, is not acceptable.
Help your child find another phrase to use to express their frustrations.
Be firm in the way you respond when you hear these comments, and act quickly. Ensure if it is said within your earshot, that you check in with the person on the receiving end of this statement and that they know this comment is not acceptable. Adults need to step in to address this language use, rather than ignore it.
How to Respond to Someone Who Reports Suicidal Thoughts?
It is really easy to feel a lot of pressure has been put on you if someone is talking to you about their suicidal thoughts and feelings. It is important to note that not everyone who has suicidal thoughts are at immediate risk. Here are some tips on how to respond:
· Be there - Let them know you’re right there with them and encourage them to talk.
· Listen – non judgementally, you don’t need to go into problem solving, just validate what they’re saying and feeling, “what you’re going through sounds really tough”.
· Ask – You might need to ask directly “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” “Have you had thoughts of ending your life?” Some follow up questions might be “How often are you having these thoughts?” “How have you managed these thoughts before?”, “What do you need to feel safe?”
· Build a support network- short term support can look like encouraging social support (interacting with friends, family, engaging in activities they enjoy or used to enjoy) and for more long term support encourage them to engage in more formal support such as speaking with a mental health professional. You can offer to make any of the initial phone calls with them or for them.
· Patience – they may not be ready to open up or engage in formal support. It might be useful to keep checking in on them to let them know you’re still available.
· Options- They may not want to open up to you and that ok, or you may not be able to offer help for a whole range of reasons and that’s ok too - you can still ask if they have someone else they might like to talk to instead. Ensure they have someone they are speaking open and honestly with – this is still being helpful.
· If the person is in immediate danger: Along with the above strategies in previous section:
· Stay with the person
· Call 000
· Encourage them to eliminate the source of danger ie lethal equipment
· Encourage them to call their professional support people ie doctor/psychologist
· Do not put yourself at risk of harm
Helping Teens when Someone they Know is Feeling Suicidal
If your teen lets you know their friend is having suicidal thoughts, thank them for sharing the information with you. If you think its appropriate, you can share the above strategies with your teen. This information will be a lot for your teen to handle, so let them know you will take the lead.
Inform the adults in their friends life know about your child’s concern as soon as possible. This will keep them safe and hopefully they will engage with some support. This is non negotiable. Parents often feel reluctant to reach out to another parent, especially if they don’t know the entire situation. Regardless of whether this other young person intends to end their life or not, they have expressed enough to concern your child. They are clearly feeling bad and are trying to communicate this with friends.
As adults, we need to work as a community and informing adults that can directly support this young person is the only option. This will help ease any feelings of responsibility you or your child may have for their friends safety. If you don’t have contact details for their friends parents, you may look to school support staff to assist in caring for the teens involved and involving relevant support people.
After this, check in on your teen to see how they’re going and let them know you’re available when they’re ready. If your teen appears to be struggling with supporting themselves while they try support their friend, validate their feelings that this is a hard time to navigate, and when ready you could brainstorm idea’s together and seek professional support.
7 Suicide Myths
MYTH
If you talk about suicide with someone, you’ll put the idea in their head.
FACT
Research suggests asking people about any suicidal thoughts or intentions does not increase a persons risk of suicide. It can often bring a sense of relief to the person that their pain has been recognised and they can feel cared for when you talk about suicide in a non-judgemental way.
MYTH
People talking about suicide are just seeking attention and probably won’t do it.
FACT
If someone is talking about their suicidal plans or intentions they are likely trying to reach out for help and should be taken seriously. Encourage them to seek mental health support. In an emergency call 000.
MYTH
Only people with mental health disorders have suicidal thoughts.
FACT
People who do not have mental health conditions are able to have suicidal thoughts. Likewise, many people with mental health conditions do not have suicidal thoughts.
MYTH
There are no warning signs that someone may be suicidal.
FACT
Warning signs are often present before someone attempts suicide though the signs may be very subtle. Signs might include: making statements such as “I’ve had enough”, “this is all too hard”, “I’m a burden”; preoccupation with death and dying; getting affairs in order or giving away possessions; speaking as if they wont see you again; change in personality or routine ie sleeping/eating/isolating; engaging in risky or harmful behaviours.
MYTH
It’s my fault that someone intends to take their life.
FACT
Factors that contribute to the complexity of suicide are outside of your control. It is never your fault.
MYTH
It is impossible to stop someone committing suicide.
FACT
Suicide can be preventable- Practical and immediate help can interrupt someone’s suicidal intentions in the short term. Stay with the person; let them talk if they want to (you don’t need to go into problem solving mode, its ok to just listen); encourage them with future planning and seek support – call 000, take them to the nearest hospital emergency department. Encourage them to seek professional help and social support for long term help.
MYTH
Suicide is a selfish act.
FACT
People who die by suicide can often feel they are a burden to others and that their friends and family will be better without them. They often cannot see another way out of their extreme level of emotional despair and distress.
The language and myths we use around suicide in everyday situations are important. It is important to take any young person using this language seriously. If you have any concerns for yourself or someone you love, seek professional support.
The team at Lit is always here to help.