What Can I Say to Help My Anxious Teen?

Anxiety appears to be becoming more common for many teenagers, or perhaps it’s just that our teenagers feel better able to communicate with their parents when they are experiencing anxiety. Anxiety can occur in one off situations or become a prolonged condition, and the way we deal with it at home may help a teenager to ride the storms of anxiety without it becoming a lasting or debilitating issue.

Anxiety is normal for all people, and especially normal for teenagers who may be experiencing stress due to studies, friendships, Covid 19 changes, family conflict and a range of internal thoughts and worries.

When talking to our teens we want to encourage a few different ideas. One is that these feelings will pass and they can, and will, feel better. Another is that they are not the anxiety. The anxiety is an external force that wants them to avoid anything “dangerous”. Anxiety gives us a strong physical reaction (heart racing, shortness of breath, sick feelings in the stomach) urging us to avoid anything that causes these strong reactions in the short term. Unfortunately, this often is not what is best or what we want in the long term. The trick is to ride out these feelings and eventually, over time, the anxiety loses it’s impact.

Thinking of anxiety as a gatecrasher to a party can be helpful. Anxiety turns up with arms full of thoughts and strong emotions, trying to barge into the party. Our job is to accept that gatecrashers are part of life, but learn to close the door on them and definitely do not let them into the party! Over time, the gatecrasher realizes they will not be allowed in and so they stop turning up, which is our long term goal.

Here are some statements you might like to try with your teen to address the physical and mental cycle that comes with periods of anxiety:

  • Anxiety is normal, you are normal

  • Where do you feel uncomfortable in your body right now?

  • Take 3 big, slow, deep breaths and see how you feel

  • Try writing down the thoughts that are going round and round in your head

  • I can hear what “The Anxiety” wants to do, but what do you want to do?

  • Let’s go for a walk

  • Rate the Anxiety on a scale of 1-10 right now

  • Can you notice the thought that set the Anxiety off or makes it worse?

  • That’s the Anxiety talking, lets try some calming activities so your voice can come through

  • What can you try to shift that feeling?

  • Jump on you bike and go for a ride/shoot some basketball for a while and then lets talk about it

  • This feeling will pass, what would you like to do while you ride it out?

  • Tomorrow will be a different day

  • Would you like a cup of tea?

If you notice yourself becoming frustrated with the irrational thoughts or behaviours of your young person, don’t forget to take a breath yourself. If you have a sensitive young person, they will no doubt pick up on your frustration so it may be worth saying the following:

  • I’m not cranky with you, I’m just frustrated that “The Anxiety” is running the show. Let’s have a break.

It’s important to always remember anxiety is normal and is designed to protect us from danger. Trying to identify the “perceived” danger, responding to the physical symptoms and finding strategies that work are all important parts of growth and individuation for a young person. As with many parts of parenting a teen, sometimes just listening, identifying the problem and showing your love can be helpful. However, if it seems like the anxiety is persistent and unrelenting talking to an independent professional may be helpful for you or your teen.

Gemma Downie